Help! I’m an uninspired DJ

A ritual, should one be trapped in dull melodies and yearn to break free from musical blockage

Firstly, you’ll need to look out for a half moon after a rainy day. When these elements collide, our rite may begin. When this hour arrives, dress yourself in some dark turquoise attire, a garment of (faux) fur and a scent reminiscent of bergamot. Play “Farmer: Fair Phyllis I Saw Sitting All Alone” by the King’s Singers Madrigal History Tour whilst you whistle the tune as skillfully your ability allows. Whilst whistling the merry tune and dressed in turquoise and furry garments that smell of bergamot, seek out the oak tree that grows near your home. By the oak seek yourself a feathered friend, the smaller, the wiser. Gaze into its beady eyes, for they will guide you to the chosen twig.

Take this stick back to your cottage and let the flames dry it. If there’s no fireplace accessible, a simple oven on low heat will do. You must let it rest for five hours and twenty-eight minutes before you can release the stick from its spot. It is of the utmost importance that this twig listen to the music of Alla Pugacheva while it is drying, preferably the tune “По улице моей”.

Before we’ll begin with the next phase of this rite, call a cherished soul whose affections you haven’t fully appreciated enough the past twenty days. For you to be graced with good tunes, you must first be bathed in love and kindness.

This is of great importance if you intent to break the evil curse that has been placed upon you. It is no mere happenstance that you are stuck in this abyss of dull sounds. These are the works of harmful powers, unleashed by some dark being (have a think on your past deeds, have you brought misery to another soul?)

As you bring the dry wood to flame, as the twig is now fully dry, grasp the hand of someone who always offers you worthy melodies. Whilst your fingers entwine, as though weaving a tapestry, lend your ear to their most favours autumnal tune of your chosen person.

When the last tones flees from the speakers, a light shall seek you, fuelling you’re being with a greater musical force. From this moment on, for twenty days, every tune you come across will be most enchanting, bewitching and heartening. Alternatively, you could simply listen to Kitchen Radio. This works instantly for dull blockages.